


It is goodbye

by soundoftragedy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Brothers, Caring Sam, Cuddling, Depressed Dean, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, S9, Sad, Sam/Dean - Freeform, Tragedy, asshole Sam, help me, hmmm, i kinda love this story, idk - Freeform, lonely, probably, since i usually hate it, suicide letter, suicide note, thats weird, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-10 16:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8923579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soundoftragedy/pseuds/soundoftragedy
Summary: Sam comes back to find a suicide note from Dean. Things couldn't get any worse, could they? Sam rushes to find his brother. Will Sam be able to save Dean or is it already too late? Prepare for chick flicks and tragedy from chapter 2, suicide attempt, OD, depressed!suicidal!Dean worried!sad!asshole!angry!Sam S9///"I want you to listen to me before you do something you regret."There was one place Dean could have went to say his goodbyes to the world.He had this favourite place at the lake. It had a beautiful view, away from the bustle, away from people, civilization. It was extremely peaceful, a perfect place to think.Dean used to come here a lot, Sam noticed.///leave kudos and comments please:>i suck this, so nevermind the summary





	1. Goodbye, Sammy

**WARNING:**

**please, do not read this story if you are suicidal or depressed, I really don't ant to trigger any more negative emotions for you. Sure, this story is for those, who are suckers for pain and just want to feel those emotions more deeply, idk, but if this might trigger you, i suggest you to leave and don't read this story. This story contains suicidal thoughts, depression, self harm maybe, suicide attempt an so on, so, please, if you think you cannot handle it, turn this page off.**

**thank you for reading xx**

* * *

**LAME TEASER:**

Dean withdrew from Sam.

"What is it?" Sam asked, feeling of wrongness hitting him again.

The older brother looked him in the eye, the look Sam have never seen before and he sure as hell never wanted to see it again.

"Dean?" he asked.

Dean smiled slightly, his eyes spotting...

* * *

Chapter 1

* * *

 

_What I got to do, to make you love me?_

_What I got to do to make you care?_

* * *

Dean put a letter on Sam's bed and sighted.

So this was it.

He looked around once again, breathing in Sam's scent one more time and walked out.

He wasn't planning on coming back.

* * *

Sam walked into his room and saw a white piece of paper lying there.

He walked to the bed and picked it up.

It was a letter. From Dean.

Sam frowned and opened it up, uneasy feeling in his stomach making himself know, and started reading.

* * *

Sammy,

_I'm so so sorry._

You're probably tired of hearing this, but this time I mean it with every part of my heart and this time I'm saying it the last time.

I know that I screwed up everything awfully and there's no way to fix it, but I just wanted to explain everything. I hope you'll at least read this.

So, you were right. About everything.

If I sucked it up like I should have, none of this would have happened. And yeah, it's because I'm scared of being alone, I still am, it's been this way since Mom died, I guess. And because of this I kept dragging you through the mud with me over all these years. I should have listened when Osyris pointed it out , that it all started when i came to get you at Stanford. I should have never come to you, but after Dad dumped me too I was so messed up that coming to you looked like the only option, either that or… You saved me back there kiddo, wasn't worth it tho. You were worth so much better than to be stuck with your fucked up excuse of an older brother.

You know, the year before i went to hell I thought that i fixed some of it up, at least for the most part. I was hoping that once I'm gone you'll go back to school, forget everything and have an apple pie life you always desired to have. Away from all this pain, this madness, from this life, from me. But even with me outta the picture it didn't go as planned, did it?

If only you would have left me rot in hell and stepped out of this life, maybe this wouldn't have happened. I mean, apocalypse is on me, I wasn't strong enough once again and started it all. Sometimes I still wonder why they didn't left me in the pit for that, it was what i deserve after all. Maybe they thought it wasn't enough of a punishment, so they pulled me out so i can watch the world burn knowing it's my fault.

You have no idea how tired of it all i was… all the guilt for what i've done, what i couldn't do was crushing me down like a ton of bricks. I could barely bear that, but when you kept replacing me with a demon over and over again, pushing me away, rarely acknowledging me… brother, i wished nothing more than to die, go back to Hell or wherever. It was less painful than watching you drift away, thinking that I'm only getting in your way.

That day you ran off to kill Lilith I wondered why you didn't end me right there and then. You were so close. It would have been better that way, for both of us.

I don't know if you're still reading this, probably not, you've got better things to do than to listen your brother babbling and feeling sorry for himself. I know you don't want to be brothers anymore either, it just reminds me how bad I've failed again, but just for this long, make an exception here and pretend you do. For the last time, Sammy, and never again.

I just wish things turned out differently. I wish I've found out another way to save you without hurting you so bad in the process. I screwed things up between us permanently, i just hope that one day you'll forgive me and don't hate me more than you already do.

This doesn't change anything, I know that. You're still going to be angry, you're still going to be hurt and it's still going to be my fault. It's not like I don't know that, I just… I don't know what i want. Maybe for you to understand me a little bit, but it's kind of a little too late for that, heh?

Honestly, I don't see a way out of this one anymore, and I'm tired of trying, I just can't take the pain anymore. I know you're gonna be disappointed again, that's all i seemed to do recently - disappoint you - but I can't live like this no more, I'm better off dead anyways. Not like it's a big loss.

I'm sorry if this isn't enough, I can't really explain and it's okay if you don't understand, I'm just asking you to remember me some time, and forgive me for all the wrongs one day. I know I'm not the brother you'd like to have or deserve to have, but remember that I'm proud of you and that I will always love you, no matter what.

Goodbye, Sammy.

Love you,

Dean.


	2. lake

_No._

This was _not_ happening.

_Hell no._

_No._

Dread, fear and horror washed over Sam.

He was standing still, too scared to move, the letter shaking in his hand. His knees felt weak.

Some might think, that a piece of paper can't change or do anything, but the truth is, it can. It can change one's life and end others.

And the one Sam was holding was meant to destroy.

Dean… he… it was a suicide note. One of the things Sam hoped he will never have to read in his life and yet…

The thing is, he never saw it coming. Well, sure, Dean wasn't a poster boy for mental health, but Sam never thought he was _that_ bad off. Of course, current situation just worsened the situation, but still.

Dean wasn't the one to quit, but seeing what he has written in the letter, things were pretty bad for him for years. And he just couldn't take it anymore, thinking he was all alone in this world.

Thinking, that he has no one, that Sam hates him, that he had failed everyone, that he's better off dead. That Sam wouldn't even care enough to read the letter, let alone care about him.

Sam let his tears roll down his cheeks and crash on the floor.

He failed to show Dean that he is loved and needed and has a family he can rely on, that he isn't a burden.

Sam needed to find Dean and find him quick.

If it wasn't too late already.

* * *

There was one place Dean could have went to say his goodbyes to the world.

He had this favourite place at the lake. It had a beautiful view, away from the bustle, away from people, civilization. It was extremely peaceful, a perfect place to think.

Dean used to come here a lot, Sam noticed.

To gather his thoughts, have some time away from everyone, relax. It was some sort of therapy for him, for the past few months Dean used to sneak out there almost every day. When he came back he'd be more relaxed, more alive, more vibrant. Although, there were times when he would come back looking depressed, despondent and so deep in his thoughts, he would barely acknowledge Sam. More times than not he came back looking like he was crying.

And it was only because Dean couldn't come to _him._ And Sam never even tried to comfort him.

So yeah, if Sam was Dean he would definitely choose that place. It was the only place Dean was himself.

And Sam ran, like he has never ran in his life, fearing he'll be too late.

He could already see the lake and could make out a vague silhouette there too. Slightly moving.

_Thank God._

Dean was still alive.

He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, let Dean know he was here, but he kept his mouth shut. He might scare Dean and rush him to end it all. He didn't want that.

Sam approached him quietly, studying his sitting brother, searching for any kind of harmful thing Dean might be holding. The older Winchester didn't turn to face him even if he knew Sam was there. He kept staring at the lake, unmoving.

"Dean?" he asked gently, standing two feet away from his brother, shimmering closer.

"You're not suppose to be here." Dean answered tacitly.

Sam stepped closer.

"Dean…"

"Go away."

Finally he was close to his brother. Sam sat next to him, it seemed like a right thing to do at the moment. He pretended not to see Dean flinching slightly.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Birds started chirping around them.

Sam wondered, what were they talking about. They had no weight of the world on them, they were free. Maybe they came here to sing one last time for his brother?

"Dean, you don't have to do anything, we can fix it all, just-.."

"There is nothing to fix, Sam, there is no we either." Dean said with a slightly shaking voice. "Please, just go home."

Sam bit his lips, fighting an urge to shout at Dean.

"I'm not leaving, I already told you. Not leaving you with the thoughts you are having right now."

"Why?" Dean turned to look at him for a brief moment. Sam was shocked to see tears lingering in his eyes, as well as raw emotions showing themselves to the world. "I've been having these thoughts for longer than I can remember, never seemed to stop you from leaving before. This time is no different."

Sam felt his mouth hanging over. This went deeper than he thought. But he needed to concentrate on what was happening _now_. He needed to pull Dean away from the edge.

"Well, I am here now, and I'm sure as hell not letting you kill yourself, so-.."

"Why not? I deserve that, after all that I've done. At least I won't be there to screw something else up. I just wish you weren't there to witness it. By the way, i already told you most of in the letter, I don't know what else do you want."

Sam exhaled angrily.

"I want you to listen to me before you do somethin you regret."  
"Oh, I've listen, Sam, I did. And it finally occurred to me how fucking blind I was all these years. I wish I would have seen it sooner, so I could-"

"You coulda what, offed yourself sooner?" Sam offered, feeling more scared than he has ever been in his life.

Dean looked at him weirdly. Like he agreed with what Sam just said.

Sam stood up and kneeled in front of his brother, searching for his eyes.

"Dean, look at me. Dean, please. _Dean_." he pleated.

"You have no idea how scared I was when I read the letter. You saying all those awful things, saying that you're gonna _kill_ yourself… I swear to you, I was about to lose my shit right there and then." Sam looked away, but then quickly looked back, putting one hand on Dean's knee, letting him know he was there. "I know damn well that right now we have _a lot_ issues, I know that I haven't been honest with you and that I hurt you _bad_ with what I said. I just wanted you to hurt, it was some kind of a sick revenge for all the Gadreel thing."

Dean flinched when he mentioned the angel's name.

"And i know it wasn't fair, considering you were already punishing yourself, worse than I ever could. But it felt so damn good, so I kept hurting you, kept pushing you away and I went way too far, failing to see the damage my words caused." Sam looked Dean in the eyem surprised to see Dean was looking straight at him, with teary eyes. He was clearly trying to make out if Sam was lying or not.

"I shouldn't have said half things that I did. I knew where it hurts the most and I used it against you. You were always there for me, no matter what I did, you always forgave me, and look how i repaid." the younger brother felt tears flooding his own eyes, realizing even clearer what he had done.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I know it's kind of too late to hear it and we should have sorted things out much, much sooner, but you're always going to be my big brother, no matter what, and I will love you no matter what. I just wish you could see it." Sam sniffled.

"I wish you could have come to me to talk, without being afraid that I will push you away. Especially if you were feeling _this_ bad. I should have never closed those doors, not when you needed me the most."

"Sam, I…" Dean finally spoke, barely audible, broken voice. "It's not your fault. I-.. I'm really _really_ sorry for what I've done. I've never meant to hurt you." he finally started sobbing. Tears falling down freely.

Sam surged forward and hugged his brother.

"Shh, shh, I know, Dean, it's alright, we'll sort it out, don't worry, it's okay, shhh…" he whispered soothingly into his ear.

Dean kept sobbing on his shoulder, letting all his hurt out, whispering 'I'm sorry" all the time.

Sam couldn't help but wonder, how long Dean's been suffering like this, how long he was planning on killing himself.

He thanked again he got here in time.

"Shh, it's alright, Dean, take your time. Just don't do anything like this to me ever again."

Something changed.

Dean withdrew from Sam.

"What is it?" Sam asked, feeling of wrongness hitting him again.

The older brother looked him in the eye, the look Sam have never seen before and he sure as hell never wanted to see it again.

"Dean?" he asked.

Dean smiled slightly, his eyes spotting a half empty bottle of pills on the grass, lying right next to Sam, and then said, with a playful smile dancing on his lips:

"It's too late"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REVIEWS AND KUDOS WOULD BE NICE, DON'T BE SELFISH:)


	3. Pleasw, no

Sam pulled away from Dean, horror on his face evident.

He prayed he heard it wrong.

"What?" he asked, staring at his brother, heart beating wildly in his chest.

"It's too late" Dean repeated, looking down for a second.

Sam's eyes caught an empty bottle of pills on the ground. He could feel his arms and legs going numb.

No, please, no.

Dean could see the horror on Sam's face too. He could see how realization appeared in his eyes and panic took over his body. Well, he warned Sam, he told him to leave him alone. He should have not come here in a first place.

As for himself, he could feel his fingers twitching slightly, they were practically numb. The pills were starting to work and he knew he didn't have much time left. He was kinda glad he had an opportunity to talk to Sam one last time, but... that was it.

He couldn't change anything even if he wanted to.

He already made up his mind. Sam... he'll get over this. He wouldn't even be here if he wouldn't have found Dean's suicide note. He didn't show a glimpse of concern or wanted to talk until this.

After Sam's speech... if he was honest with himself, it touched his heart, he felt warm and fuzzy inside for a moment. It felt that false hope in his chest telling him, it'll be alright, that Sam is there for him and everything will turn out alright. But no matter how much he wanted to believe this, believe Sam... actions spoke louder than words. There was no turning back now.

His song has already been sung, it was over.

He was ready to go.

And oh dear, Sam saw it clear as a day in Dean's eyes.

He was accepting his fate, he was ready to go, but he, Sam, was not ready.

"Please, tell me it's just a bad joke, Dean" Sam pleaded. "Tell me, you did this just to get to talk to me." he begged, not daring to accept the obvious.

"Not everything is about you. Sam, it's over. Let me go." Dean whispered, smiling. He was just so tired...

"Oh, hell no, I am not letting you do this" Sam said angrily, thinking about every possible option he had now.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm just doing it. I don't need your permission to..."

"To what? Kill yourself?" Sam asked, unbelievingly. "That is not an option." he jumped to his feet. "How many did you take?" he asked demandingly.

Dean smiled, knowing, there was nothing Sam could do. No need to lie.

"Too much."

Sam started going toward Dean.

"You're going to vomit them, now."

Dean moved away from Sam. He was not going to dance to his tune.

"I am so not, Sammy. I just want a peaceful evening, so why don't you leave me alone and let me enjoy the view, huh? Or, I don't know, you can sit next to me and stay, it's up to you. No other option here." Dean stated, gazing back to the lake. He just wanted peace. Although, his breath was becoming erratic and he could feel the cold sweat on his forehead, but he didn't care.

Sam just couldn't hold it back anymore.

Seeing Dean, just sitting on the grass with his head on his arms, just gazing at the horizon, waiting, looking so damn done and peaceful broke something deep inside of him. He just couldn't let him die like that, this wasn't over.

Sam surged forward.

"I'm not letting you die you moron, not like that, not ever!" he shouted, trying to stick his fingers into Dean's mouth. He needed to make him vomit.

Dean struggled with all he got, but since the pills were starting to take an effect on his body, the fight wasn't fair. He could barely feel his arms or legs at this point, all weird numbness was taking all over him, not to mention his wavering vision or the fact that everything started to sound like from a tunnel.

"Nggghhh" was all Dean managed to say, before Sam won.

True love is sticking fingers down your bother's throat, so that fucking moron won't die from OD.

Dean spilled whatever he got in his stomach on the ground, coughing like and old man.

"That's it, Dean, just let it all out" Sam encouraged him.

"Fuck you" Dean gasped, trying to catch his breath.

"You're welcome" the younger Winchester smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

Sam waited until he stop coughing and stood up, relieved.

"When you're ready, we're gonna go inside and get you cleaned up, alright? Then we're gonna-"

Dean laughed.

Sam looked at him confused.

"You just don't get it, do ya?" Dean slumped back on the grass and looked straight into Sam's soul. He was not feeling well, in fact, he felt like he was about to pass out.

"You just can't accept that it is over, can you?"

Just now Sam noticed sweat covering Dean's face, his extremely pale face.

Damn it.

It doesn't matter that he vomited those pills, most of them were already in his system. Nothing was fixed.

God fucking damn it, how could he be so blind?

"No, I can't, Dean."

"Well, you said you can, so why don't you just go on and keep your promises, huh?" he spited out.

"Because of the all reasons I told you earlier, why don't you remember them?" he asked angrily and pulled his brother up. "C'mon, I'm taking you to the hospital."

Instantly, the older hunter tried to pull away, but not a chance; Sam's grip was too tight.

Sam dragged him to the bunker, and that's when Dean's kneed buckled.

If Dean was honest with himself, he was surprised when he was able to walk this far, since his legs turned into jello while he was by the lake; he was so dizzy he couldn't see what was in front of him, everything seemed distant and disorientated, not to mention black dots dancing in his vision. He could barely hear what Sam was mumbling. He could barely feel anything.

But he sure as hell felt sharp slap to his face, which came out of nowhere, or so it seemed.

Dean opened his eyes slightly to see what was the problem. But when exactly did he closed them?

"Stay awake, Dean, or so help me God, overdosing will be the last of your problems." Sam shook him harshly. He might have sound confident, but he was losing his shit. Seeing how Dean went down, unmoving and unresponsive... panic was taking over him. He needed his brother to stay awake.

"Dean..." he begged again, slapping Dean's cheek. To his surprise, Dean opened his eyes and looked straight into his eyes with such clarity... the younger Winchester even dared to hope that there was still hope for both of them. Unfortunately, it died as quick as it was born when Dean finally spoke:

"Game over, kiddo."

thank you for reading:)

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	4. In the end

In the end, Sam dragged Dean's heavy ass to the car and drove to the hospital in a hellish speed, although, it was still too slow for the younger Winchester.

He couldn't help but mumble comforting words like "few more minutes, Dean, hold on" and "we're almost there", followed by "you're a fucking moron for doing this" which ended in "please, just hang in there".

He was fully aware of what happened and how it might end.

Also, he couldn't decide he was more worried or more angry at this moment, maybe somewhere in the middle between the two.

The full seriousness of the situation had hit him when Dean went down and after a brief moment of consciousness told him that it's the end. Game over. Time to let go.

Well, he was sure as hell angry about _that_.

How could Dean do this?

'Because you're a self absorbed idiot, Samuel, you coulda seen the signs sooner' his consciousness reminded him helpfully.

"Fuck" he cursed. Then glanced at Dean, who was pale as a sheet and unresponsive. The lifelessness of him scared Sam out even more, so he was glad when he saw the hospital's building appearing in the distance.

"Thank God" he sighed. "Hang on, Dean, you'll be just fine. And when you're well enough, I will kick your ass" he promised and parked the Impala in front of the ER, got out and screamed for help.

* * *

To be honest, their life sucked.

Not all the time, of course not, but moments like these made Sam wonder, what did either of them did to deserve this.

After all that they've done, they deserved a little bit of peace. They deserved to be just done. At peace. Alright.

But no, fate was pulling their strings one by one again.

But it wasn't just fate, wasn't it? Sam knew that much. It was his fault too. His brother wasn't an innocent here either.

Dean broke his trust, he lied to him, betrayed him, but in the end, he was just trying to save his little brother. It's not like wasn't suffering the consequences of his choice, he was. Dean could always punish himself when he felt like he deserved it. It was never pretty.

But Sam let the anger control him, let it guide his choices, his actions and his words. He hit Dean with his words over and over again, and when he was lying on the ground, Sam kicked him by turning his back on him. He chose not to see anything happening to Dean.

Now he was paying the price.

Dean loved his family more than anything. He would have laid his life if it meant saving someone. He wouldn't even blink. His devotion and love was pure. Dean cared for him, done everything that was in his power so Sam could be happy and alive, and yet, Sam shoved it in his face.

No wonder Dean thought he wasn't enough.

Sam could only imagine what he felt when he told him he doesn't want to be brothers with him any more. What he felt when he heard his only family is done with him doesn't trust him. Wouldn't save him.

Sam had signed Dean's death warrant himself.

And knowing how low his brother's self esteem his, how enormous his self hatred is, how suicidal and reckless he becomes when he's rejected by his family... Sam is left with nothing, but a terrifying thought, how could he have done this to his brother, who wished nothing, but best for him, even now.

And man, they were screwed.

More than they have ever been.

* * *

Sam stood in the hallway, watching with wide eyes, how doctors surrounded Dean.

They've already put a tube down his throat and connected him to a heart monitor.

If not that erratic uneven beating of his heart, Sam would have thought Dean was dead.

He was pale, way too pale. Even his lips were ashen, at least not blue, like mere seconds ago.

It was like watching from another dimension, or maybe a long tunnel. It felt unreal. Doctors and nurses circling his brother's bed, trying to keep him alive.

Monitor screeched.

"He's tachycardic!" someone shouted.

Sam couldn't feel his legs.

When he watched how they let God knows how many volts of electricity through his body, he just sobbed.

His brother, his family, his savior, his blood... dying.

And it was his fault.

"One more time!" doctor shouted.

In the end, Dean just wanted to be loved, to be needed. But he was told he wasn't worth it, wasn't worth the effort.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Back to sinus rhythm!"

Sam felt like he could breathe again. He slumped in the chair next to him, his legs couldn't hold him anymore.

It was close, too close.

What was he gonna do after this? Sorry will never be enough. Who knew if Dean would even talk to him? He looked so determined to end it all, he looked _peaceful_. He didn't want to live anymore. To bring his will to live or to make him fight again... sounded impossible. But he will have to try, he can't let Dean down again.

Sam watched how they wheeled Dean away and he jumped, determined to follow them and get the answers.

"Sir, you can't follow" a nurse stopped him.

"But... that's my brother..." Sam mumbled.

"You can't follow. We just stabilized him and going to take him for tests. You can wait here, but it will take time, so I suggest you to go home or go to the cafeteria." she told him and went back to her work.

Go home?

If only.

His phone buzzed.

"Hello?" Sam answered, his voice sounding like he had eaten shards of glass.

"Hello, Sam." a familiar voice greeted him.

"Hey, Cas, what's up"

"I think I've found you a case in Neva-"

"'m sorry, man, it's not really a good time for a case right now, I'll hand it to someone else, alright?"

"What's wrong, Sam?" angel asked, sounding concerned.

"Uh, I'm in a hospital, it-"

"Are you okay?" as interrupted him. "Is it because of the trails? You should have told me you weren't feeling well enough, Sam, I would have-"

 _"It's, Dean, Cas!"_ Sam shouted over the phone. "It's Dean."

"What? What happened?" Cas sounded alarmed.

"He uhhh... it's..."

"Sam, I can sense your distress over the phone, please, tell me what happened."

Sam sucked a deep breath in, trying to calm his nerves.

"He tried to kill himself." he said quietly, like a curse. Like if saying it out loud would make it real. "Overdosed."

There was a dead silence for a good amount of time, before Cas shouted "WHAT?" straight into Sam's ear.

"What the hell happened, Sam?"

"I came back home from a run. Found a note on my bed, which happened to be a... suicide letter from Dean. It was awful... I ran to the lake, he was alive. Gosh, you should have seen him, Cas, he was so peaceful, he was happy with the idea of it all being over.I thought I got there in time. I talked to him, he seemed to agree with me, or at least understand me. It was all going well, until he just told me it was too late." Sam bit his lip, shaking his head.

"All this time while I was trying to talk him out of it, he was dying. He had already gulped down a bottle of pills before I even got there. While I thought I was saving him, it was actually killing him. And he fought me when I tried to save him, he was so determined... he passed out before we even got to the car. I think he'll be okay, they stabilized him, but... the damage is done, I- I don't know how he'll be when he'll wake up" Sam ended, tears freely falling from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks.

"Damn it... Why... why would he do this?" Castiel asked.

"Because" Sams sniffed. "He thought he wasn't good enough. Because he thought I didn't need him anymore. Because he thought he was just screwing everything up. Mainly because of the recent events. And it's my fault."

"Sam, it's not you-"

"Yes, it is Cas. After all this Gadreel thing went down, he was far from okay, but I failed to see that. In fact, I was so angry I didn't want to see that, so I pushed him away. And that was the first and the biggest mistake of them all. He needed someone to pull him closer and tell him he isn't worthless. Instead, I pushed him away. And even when we did get back together, I kept pushing him, until..."

"Sam, are you okay?"

"I'm far from okay right now, Cas. I failed as a brother. I- I never expected this, I've never seen this coming. Maybe I would have said something before it was too late. I mean, it's Dean, he _never_ gives up..."

"I know, Sam, I guess he was under too much pressure. I'm sure he'll get through this, he just needs some time off, some, I don't know, a vacation, maybe?" he suggested. "Anyways, do you need me to come? Maybe I could help."

"No, Cas, thank you, but no. You got enough on your hands already, with angels and everything. You've already helped enough. I'll... I'll handle this."

"Sam, I can really come if-"

"It's alright, Cas, I just still haven't accepted the fact that Dean, from all people..." he shook his head, feeling tears gathering in his eyes once again.

"I know, Sam. Just remember I'm there if you need anything, alright?"

"Of course, Cas, thank you."

"No problem, Sam, that's what family is for, right?"

 _Ouch,_ that stung. Without meaning to, Castiel just hit the nerve.

"Yeah. So, call me later, okay?"

"Okay. Bye, Sam."

The line went dead.

Sam was glad to know someone else was there for them. Castiel was family, but it was better if he stayed out of this. It will be stressful enough for Dean, dealing with the aftermath, facing Sam. No need to add more pressure.

And, after all, they have a lot to deal with already. So he will put aside his anger, it wasn't worth it anyway. In the end, there was a lifetime of Dean. He can't cut him down to one mistake.

"Sir?" a nurse approached him. "Your brother's doctor may want to speak with you."

Sam nodded and followed her to a more private area, where a doctor was already waiting for him. He looked serious.

"Mr. Weston, please, have a seat. We have a lot to discuss."

* * *

thanks for reading xx

dont forget to leave a review, i read them like a priest reads the bible


	5. shaking ground

 

*excuses*  
(they are in another story btw)

also, i hope you will find this chapter... i wouldn't say amazing, since it was written in a uni library as a rezult of my procrastination, but hopefully interesting enough to keep reading this story and leave a review (cmon, dont be lazy).

one way or another, knock yourself out.

enjoy :)

* * *

 

“Is he okay?” Sam asked immediately. 

“He is stable. Because of the huge amount of drugs he consumed and an enormous chance of kidney failure, we put him on dialysis to cleanse his blood. In the mean time we are giving him IV fluids and oxygen to improve his health. He still isn’t awake yet, but if it goes the way it is going now and he keeps improving, he should be fine. Of course, we are still monitoring his heart since it almost stopped earlier today, but there aren’t any complications yet.”

“So he’s going to be alright?” Sam asked hopefully.

“He should be” doctor smiled sympathetically. “But he’s being put under a suicide watch for 72 hours. Even if it was an accident, protocol demands it. I’ll send someone to talk to him when he’s well enough and awake.”

Sam nodded. When Dean’s well enough, he’s signing him out AMA, they can’t help him. It’s not like they could talk about angels and demons without being locked in a padded cell.

“If you don’t have any more questions, I’ll lead you to his room.” doctor stood up.

Sam followed him shakily. Although he knew his brother should be fine, he still felt shaken up. It’s not something you can get over in a day or two, it is something that will require time and healing.

He entered Dean’s room.

His brother looked pale, almost gray compared to the hospital’s sheets. IV’s in his arms, oxygen mask on his too pale face. He was still on dialysis. 

Sam took a seat next to him and sighed.

He was in a situation like this way too many times. In a hospital, next to his brother, waiting for him to wake up.

Except this time was a bit different, it wasn’t something that bumps in the night that did this, this was the doing of Dean’s own.

Sam still couldn’t shake the imagine from his head how Dean said it was too late. How happy he looked.  _ Peaceful _ . 

To think further, he hadn’t seen Dean smile in a  _ long  _ time, so seeing him smiling in these horrific circumstances was a soul crusher.

And a constant reminder that this was his doing.

He couldn’t imagine how it must have felt. Needing comfort and support and not only not getting it, but being pushed even further away.

Sam took Dean’s hand into his own, shivering slightly when he touched cold skin.

He needed some sort of contact, some grounding, something that would make him realize that his brother will not disappear into a thin air.

It took some time until the younger Winchester forced himself to look at Dean’s face; something he couldn’t do for the last 15 minutes. The wound was still too fresh.

He dared to smile a little.

Despite his brother being so pale, he could count freckles on his face. Dean would so punch him in the face if he even dared to mention that.

Now he looked so young. Peaceful. No burden on his shoulders, no weight of the world pushing him down, until he couldn’t push back anymore.

Tears welled up in Sam’s eyes.

How had he not seen this? It was  _ Dean, _ for fuck’s sake, he knew him better than anyone in the entire world and he still totally missed the signs.

Or maybe he didn’t, maybe he just turned a blind eye to it, because he wanted him to suffer, to feel as hurt as he felt after all those months of lies. And he pushed and pushed, and eventually pushed way too far, failing to see how Dean was actually doing behind that mask.

He just wanted him to hurt.

Well, he was hurting. More than he could handle, apparently.

He knew Dean was drinking more than he was ever before, he was either sleeping two days in a row or not at all. Sometimes he wouldn’t even make it to bed. Sam could recall more than a few times when he found Dean sound asleep on a kitchen or library table, a bottle of scotch still pressed into his palm. He wasn’t exactly eating either. When they were on cases and Sam would offer to go to a dinner or somewhere else to eat, Dean would just mumble that he’s not hungry.

Not to mention how quiet he became. The older hunter wouldn’t talk to him if necessary and when he did, his voice would be lifeless, monotone and quiet. He stopped looking at him too, either because he didn’t feel like he deserved to or he was afraid of Sam snapping at him.

To think further, at times Dean would zone out and stare into nothing.

And this was one of the things that scared Sam the most.

Dean wouldn’t hear anything he said and wouldn’t be aware of anything. Looked like he was catatonic.

It happened a couple of times already, twice Sam had to talk to him for 15 minutes straight, even shake him to get him out of that state. 

He even slapped him once, because it happened during a hunt.

Knowing what he knows now, Dean was probably in some kind of depressive haze. This was possible, because after these moments Dean would be not only reckless, but straightforward suicidal. It didn’t matter what they would be hunting, he would just go straight to the monster, like he was some lost puppy that needed to be petted, and he would fight it.

Usually he wouldn’t be hurt in the process, despite his recklessness he was a damn good hunter, but if there would be more than one of them, Dean still wouldn’t hesitate and get himself hurt.

One way or another, he had no excuse to ignore his older brother on such a cruel level.

Sam knows he’s no innocent here. But he will try to help Dean now.

Better a little bit later than never.

Besides, after their talk by the lake he had a pretty good image of what was going on in Dean’s head and it was a terrible place to see. God knows how awful it is to live with it.

He blamed himself for Jess’s death, for fuck’s sake. How was that his fault?

Nothing in their situation was okay, but they will fix it.

They will.

He just needed Dean to wake up.

.

8 hours.

It took Dean 8 hours to wake up.

Considerably, it wasn’t much, since there are cases when people don’t wake up. At all.

So Sam was more than happy when it finally happened.

.

Dean slowly opened his heavy eyelids, it felt as if they weighed a ton..

A feeling like he was floating was making itself known.

Honestly, he felt numb. His arms felt numb and so did his whole body, like he was disconnected from his body somehow.

What the hell happened to make him feel this way?

Did he had too much to drink?

Dean blinked slowly, opening his eyes, only to see a blurred face lingering in front of his.

He frowned at first. Then memories came back.

_ Sammy. _

“Get your huge face outta my face” he slurred, his voice raw and muffled.

Was it an oxygen mask on his face? Why was it on his face? Why was he in a hospital?

He couldn’t recall anything. The last thing he remembered was getting in the Impala after the case.

Did he crash his baby?

Panic on his face must have shown, because Sam was asking if he was alright and what was wrong, already.

He just shook his head and closed his eyes.

Then he felt a gentle arm on his shoulder, not really shaking him, but close enough.

“Dean?” Sam asked worriedly.

So he opened his eyes again and looked directly into his brother.

“What happened?” he demanded answers.

He needed to know if his car was alright.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Sam, always with the questions.

He probably has a concussion if Sam’s gonna go all twenty questions on him.

“Uhh… us getting in the Impala after the case. Did i crash my baby?” he finally asked fearfully.

Sam’s face was unreadable.

Something was wrong.

After a minute of silence the older hunter asked again, worry seeping into his bones. Sam’s expression was close to panic, although Sam was trying to control it and hide it from showing on his face, but it wasn’t working.

At that moment, a doctor took a chance to come in.

“Dean! Nice to see you finally awake and among the living, your brother over there was getting worried.” he smiled. “Hi, I’m doctor Rodgers.” he introduced himself and then turned to Sam. “May I have a moment with my patient?”

Sam shook his head.

“Can I speak to you first?”

“Of course.”

Sam went to the doctor and spoke in a lower voice: “He… he doesn’t remember. The last thing he remembers happened like three days ago.” the younger brother muttered worriedly. “Is that normal?”

“It is, Sam, afte-”

“You know,  _ he _ can hear you perfectly well from over here” suddenly Dean interrupted them. “And he would be grateful if you wouldn’t put wool over my eyes.” then added.

“And what do you mean it happened three days ago?”

Sam and the doctor turned to face Dean.

“It is normal, Dean. Your memory will come back in a couple of days. As for your condition, how are you feeling?”

Dean frowned.

“Umm, feel fine, maybe except a headache and i feel numb. At first even my finger were all tingly” he put them in front of his eyes and studied them carefully, as if they were alien. “Also, my throat is sore” he pointed at his throat.

“We can get you ice chips for that.” doctor Rodgers smiled, then checked the machines around his bed. “Your vitals are almost back to normal too. Also, we can change this” he took of Dean’s oxygen mask and replaced it with a nasal cannula. “With this. Your breathing is still a concern, but it should go back to normal in a few days.” he announced confidently. 

“Anyway, i have to go, but if you need anything else just hit a button.” he turned to door. “Also, since you’re awake we will run some more test later, alright?” and with that heleft the room.

Dean looked at Sam with panicked eyes.

“In a few days? You know, it all seems a little shady, Sam. May you enlighten me a little?” the older brother stared at his sibling.

Sam turned to face him and didn’t miss a flinch when he did so. Then he looked straight into his eyes and was surprised when Dean looked away, looking somehow… unsure and maybe a little scared. 

As if Sam will say something harsh or shout at him.

As if he pointed a gun at him.

The younger Winchester just sighed and sat down, biting his lip.

“How are you feeling, Dean?” he asked sadly.

“I told you, i feel fine, kinda weird and tired, but alright.” Dean repeated his previous answer with more details.

Sam shook his head.

“No, Dean, how do you _ feel _ ?”

The older brother just stared at him, thoughts running around his head. What is that’s suppose to mean?

“Why are you asking me this?” he asked eventually, clearly suspecting something.

“I just- humor me, Dean. How are you feeling?” Sam insisted. He needed to hear it from Dean’s lips.

“Why does it matter? If i told you something earlier, then I’m sorry. Just… forget about it, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it was.” Dean kept his own. “Just tell me what happened.”

“I will, after you tell me how do you feel.”

They stared at each other until Dean couldn’t hold a stare any longer and looked away.

“Is this how it’s going to be? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours first? You know i can just call a doctor and he will tell me all i need to know.” he threatened.

Sam sighed, tired, and leaned into Dean.

“Please, just… put this show away and tell me. Please.” he almost begged and he knew it was working, because Dean was looking like he was going to crack and cry at any moment.

“Sam, just… just drop it. Just tell me what you’d like to hear me say and I’ll tell you.”

“No.” Sam reached out and took Dean’s arm in his own, not letting him pull away. “See, what happens next depends on your answer. If you’ll be honest, I’m gonna get you outta there and all will be fine. You lie to me and I’m gone. I will leave you there and trust me, you will not like what comes next. Just consider for a moment that i might already know the answer and don’t you even try to tell me off, because it won’t work.” Sam spoke in a quiet, gentle, non threatening voice, so Dean, hopefully, will feel like he’s welcome to pour his heart out, open up a little bit.

And Dean.... he knew something big happened, something big enough to shake the ground they were walking on, because the way Sam was acting was… scary. He was scarily calm, just like the storm, before it was about to burst and it scared the shit out of him.

Of course, he thought about lying, but from the looks of it, it will do no good. But telling the truth was hard. So he just caught himself staring into Sam, tense, not knowing what to do. Plus, he had a horrible suspicion that Sam knew the truth. The  _ whole _ truth, not the show he was running all this time.. 

“Dean, please.” Sam pleaded again, puppy dog eyes hitting with full force.

And Dean cracked.

Kind of.

He let the tension wash out of him and slumped deeper into the bed, feeling defeated. 

“What do you wanna know?” he asked quietly.

“You know, Dean. I wanna know how you are feeling. And I’d like to get the truth this time.”   
“I’m still not sure about your intentions of wanting to get an insight into my head, but sure. You want some sugar coating or harsh reality?” he asked eventually. 

“Reality, please.” the younger hunter asked, knowing that whatever it is that Dean was about to say will not be pretty. By the way he looked, it will be awful.

But he asked for harsh truth.

“Alright. Just remember: you asked for it.” Dean threatened. 

Sam waited until his brother gathered enough strength to push the answer out of himself. Clearly, it wasn’t an easy thing to do.

“Let’s just say… if i had a gun in my hand right now, I would gladly put it right here and...” the older Winchester made a gun with his finger and pressed to his head, then imitated pulling the trigger. “Is that enough of an insight for you?” the older hunter asked, biting his tongue. He wasn’t far away from crying. From the tension and emotions and from what he told Sam.

And Sam felt himself going pale.

Even when he had no memories of trying to kill himself, he still wished to do it.

“Dean” he started, but was interrupted.

“No. Don’t remember you mentioning that we have to talk about it. Now tell me what happened.” the older hunter demanded.

Now it was Sam’s turn to bite his lip. He sighed heavily and took a moment to recollect himself.

“What you remember, getting in the Impala was three days ago. We were back home, safely, around 3 at night. We went to sleep. The next day, we didn’t go anywhere. We had a little argument and you went to your room, i kept on doing research. I didn’t see you until today’s morning. We argued in the kitchen and I went to take a run, cool off.” Sam leaned back into the chair. He was getting to the part he hated to remember and it was getting harder to talk. “I- I came back some time later and found your note on my bed.” he dared to glance at Dean and from the looks of it Dean had more than a little suspicion of what he was going to be told.

“When I read what was in it… it was horrible, to say at least. It felt like the ground was slipping from beneath my feet. I- I ran to the lake, hoping to find you there.” he had to stop again, emotions getting a better hold of him.

“You were there. I found you. You seemed… peaceful, even happy. We talked and it felt like i was getting through you, but… you told me it was too late.” tears felt down Sam’s cheeks and he took a shaky breath in, not caring enough to wipe it off. “You said that it was better that way and you- you wanted to go, be at peace. And i couldn’t let that happen.”

“Sam…” Dean started, not really knowing what to say, but watching Sam telling him all this… it hurt. “Sam, you don’t have to-”

“Yes, Dean, I do!” Sam shouted at him, finally making an eye contact. “Because it was me, not you, who found a note saying that the only family i have left was about to to kill himself! Even now you want to do it! So yes, Dean, I do! Because i failed to see how bad off you were before and I want to fix it, you like it or not. Because even right now I’m terrified to leave your side, ‘cause every moment I’m afraid that when I come back, I will come back to find you dead! I’m terrified, that if I leave you alone, I-”

“Sam, Sammy, please, stop, it’s okay” Dean begged, finally, reaching out for his little brother. He swung his legs over the bed and sat up, taking off his nasal cannula, ignoring the machines around him and everything he was connected to. He almost fell on Sam at one point. “It’s alright.” he said quietly, reaching to hug his brother.

Sam didn’t push him away and he was grateful. Instead he leaned in and grabbed him, pulling him towards his giant chest.

Honestly, he felt warm and fuzzy inside when Sammy hugged him. It’s been a while. He missed this connection with his brother, so he leaned in closer, stroking Sam’s back.

Somehow, he felt fragile, but Sam was like some sort of protective shield that was keeping him together.

“It’s alright, Sammy” he repeated.

He felt the taller man shake his head. “It’s not, Dean. It’s not alright by any means. But it will be, I promise. We will fix this.”

“I’m sorry.” the older Winchester felt a need to apologize.

“No, don’t apologize, you got nothing to be sorry for. It’s me who missed all the signs, it’s me who should be sorry.”

Dean kept quiet and felt Sammy pulling away, but keeping his arm on his shoulder. Then he looked into his eyes.

“Promise me you won’t do it again.” he begged with teary eyes.

“Sammy…” Dean looked down, but the younger hunter patiently waited until he looked at him again. “I- I can’t. I mean, that still seems like a good thing to do, I can’t change how i feel.” 

For a moment Sam looked heartbroken. Then he snapped.

“Don’t you get it, Dean? You are _ loved! _ How can you- how can you even-” he sobbed. “I won’t let you. I will cuff you to myself if I have to, but I won’t let you go. You can’t leave me, not now, not ever.” 

Dean was about to say something, when a wave of dizziness hit him and he wavered.

“Shit, Dean, you okay?” the younger sibling caught him and helped him to lie down. He was alert now. “Why the fuck would you take it off?” he angrily motioned to a nasal cannula and put it on. “And it  _ stays _ on, you hear me?” Sam wiped his tears away, and sat down on the bed next to his brother. “How are you feeling?”

“Dizzy.” the older Winchester mumbled, putting a hand over his eyes. “But that’s fine, just gimme a second.”

They waited a couple of minutes until Dean opened his eyes and looked into Sam’s.

“I’m sorry it turned out like this” he apologized, genuinely. 

Sam reached for his hand again, needing to feel a connection.

“I know you are, Dean, let’s just do everything we can to make sure it doesn’t happen again, alright?” the younger brother suggested.

Dean nodded, knowing Sam needs comfort right now as much as he does. It wasn’t a walk in the park to experience something like this. They needed each other.

“So you got me to a hospital?” he asked, eventually.

“Yes, but you were fighting like there was no tomorrow.” Sam narrowed his eyes, then smiled a little. “You always do something when you’re not suppose to, huh?”

“Yeah, well…”

“Yeah, I got you there and they pumped your stomach. Gave you some medicine. To clear all that crap from your system they put you on dialysis. I hope your kidney won’t fail after your stunt.”

Dean narrowed his eyes and frowned.

“I overdosed?” he asked, voice shaking a little.

“Yeah, Dean, you did. You know, when I found you by the lake i thought i got there in time. And all the time while we were talking, you were dying.” he felt tears in his eyes again.

“Hey, Sammy, don’t do that, jeez, please.” Dean almost begged. Clearly, reliving those moments didn’t make Sam feel any better.

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, he felt so tired.

“Get some sleep, Dean, you clearly need it.” Sam said gently, stroking his arm.

“Wanna go home.” he muttered.

“Sure, once they tell me your kidneys are in one piece. If they are there at all, after you tried to drink a liquor store. Which is another topic for our next discussion. Then i will get you out somehow, don’t forget they put you on suicide watch. You can’t just sign out AMA.”

“Fuckers” Dean muttered under his breath.

“Yeah, fuckers.” Sam laughed along. “Alright, get some rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.” he promised.

“You better be” 

And Dean let go, knowing, that Sam will keep his promise. And maybe next time he will be able to promise not to take any drastic actions.

And maybe everything will get better.


	6. Pie

Sorry for such a late update. Kinda mixed two stories into one and, yuk. Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 6

* * *

Dean was taken for tests couple of hours later.

Sam was surprised, but glad to hear that his liver was intact. He'll need to watch what he eats and eat healthy food, at least for a while - something damn near impossible if you ask Sam, but he'll be damned to go down without a fight.

So, yeah. Dean will be fine.

With these news he wondered what to do next. His brother wasn't in any immediate danger, but he was still under a psychiatric hold. Not easy to break out of, but possible, if you're a Winchester. Clearly, talking to a shrink won't help Dean, he can't just say "eh, let my brother get possessed by an angel and he killed our friend and that messed me up, I also spent 40 years in Hell which messed me up even more, so, yeah, I'm pretty messed up and want to blow my brains out. Any idea how to deal with any of it?"

Yep. Out of the question.

"Sammy, man, where've you been?" a sheepishly smiling Dean greeted him.

"What's wrong with you?" the younger brother asked immediately.

"I dunno, they gave me something, I think I'm flyyyin'" he looked at Sam and waved him to come closer. "Haven't felt this good in a while."

"When did they give you that?" Sam asked, frowning, picking up his brother's chart.

"I didn't want them to test my liver, i fucking hate needles and they had one like a friggin foot long, for biopsy or whatever, so i tried to get the hell out, and, you know how it goes."

"They gave you a dose of diazepam. Great. You tend to react emotionally to it and kinda act childish. At least you're gonna be calm for a while."

"Wanna go home" he whined, looking like a kid who was begging his mom to give him one more cookie.

"You sure you're up to it? I mean, you've been there for like 15 hours or so, they have a right to keep you for 72."

"I don't care what they have, they have that right with Dean Thompson or whatever, I'm a fucking Winchester for god's sake, don't care what they want." Dean even lift his chin up proudly to that.

That got a chuckle out of Sam. "Alright man, at least let's wait one more hour or so, until you're lucid enough to walk." then he turned to face his brother with a serious look in his eyes. "But you have to promise me something. I mean, if I get you out of here before the time is due, can you promise me not to do anything stupid?"

"Sam-"

"No matter how fucking bad you are feeling or how much you want to do something, you come to me instead? Can you promise me that?" he pushed.

"I want pie" the older hunter said out of the blue.

"I'm being serious here, Dean!" younger man shouted at his sibling.

"So am I!" Dean shifted uncomfortably in his bed. "What kinda day it is if I don't get pie? I'm in a hospital, I deserve it." he mumbled to himself, looking visibly upset.

"Well, you brought this on yourself, so, I think it's a reasonable punishment if you don't get any pie today." Sam said without thinking.

Dean immediately shrunk down into the bed, turning his gaze away from his brother to his lap and biting his lip. His grin from the earlier was gone, like it was never there in the first place. He looked visibly distraught and the younger hunter cursed himself.

Making Dean feel like shit, just what he needed right now. Making him feel like he deserves to be punished, because of what he did, when in reality he needed to be told he could have anything he wanted.

"Shit, Dean, i didn't mean it like that." he tried to make the situation better and went to sit next to his brother.

"Leave me alone" the older Winchester turned his back to Sam, clearly upset.

"Dean, if you want to get out of her-"

"I said leave me alone" he interrupted the younger man harshly, then added with more quiet tone: "You can go back home or go to Jody, do whatever the hell it is that you want and leave me alone" the older man hugged his pillow closer. "I think it's a reasonable punishment if I end up alone for what I did." he added quietly, but Sam still heard.

He felt a lump in his throat, because the way Dean was feeling right now was his fault.

"Dean, come on, man. You know I didn't mean it that way. And I'm not going anywhere without you and I'm certainly not going to Jody's. She's our friend, sure, but you're my family. And I'm staying here, whether you like it or not. And when you decide that you're feeling good enough to go home, you can tell me and I'll get you out. Then I'll get you every single fucking pie that I'll manage to find, got it?" Sam sat down on his bed and laid a hand on his brother's shoulder, still trying to comfort him somehow. Dean just pushed his face further down into a pillow and nodded.

Sam stayed like this for a while and just rubbed his hand up and down Dean's arm, trying to comfort him somehow. "Sorry I made you feel like shit again. I didn't mean to." he apologized quietly, pulling his hand away.

"Don't go" he heard Dean's muffled voice from under the pillow. The younger Winchester smiled.

"Not going anywhere. I'll just get some coffee and be right back, alright?"

It looked like his brother nodded, so he hurried to get the coffee.

When Sam came back not five minutes later, Dean was still curled up in a fetal position, hugging a pillow. It looked like he was asleep.

The younger hunter made himself comfortable in the chair and prepared to wait. He was planning on sneaking out during lunch time, that's when there was barely any staff around and since it was a holiday season, there weren't much to begin with. One way or another it was still two more hours until that. He'll wait until Dean's awake and he'll bail him out. And then he'll actually get him pie, he deserved it.

* * *

Three hours later he was trying to get Dean to wear a jacket.

"It's freezing outside, either you wear it or you aren't going" he hissed.

"That's blackmail" Dean whined.

"Yeah, well, whatever works. You're the one who wanted to leave, so, move it, before someone comes to check up on ya. You are supposed to be here for another two days."

Sam cursed himself.

They had ten minutes max to get out. Dean was awake for an hour and haven't stopped whining about it since. Unfortunately, when it came to action, he wasn't much of a help either. He was still sluggish and confused sometimes, his movements uncoordinated. He was better, but that wasn't good enough if they wanted to escape unnoticed. Thank god he wasn't connected to a heart monitor anymore, that would have caused a lot of problems. Sam knew that Dean still needed fluids, but he can always insert an IV in the bunker, after all, they have this weird hospital looking room downstairs, full of weird, but useful equipment. He's probably going to have to get his brother on oxygen once they're back, those drugs messed up his breathing badly. It was better than before, but he was still struggling, Sam could tell.

The test came back earlier, his livers were as fine as they can be with his excessive drinking. He just needs a right diet for some time and will be as good as new.

And finally, after a lot of struggle and cussing, Dean was dressed.

"C'mon, man, we don't have much time" Sam nudged at his side. "We gotta get going."

The older hunter stood up, taking the nasal cannula off. His legs were shaky. He wavered a little.

Sam didn't hesitate and put a steadying hand on his waist. "C'mon. Let's go, before someone notices that you're gone."

To his surprise, nobody batted an eye to them. They didn't meet any of their nurses or doctors. A friggin miracle.

And finally, they were in the Impala, riding home.

"I'm gonna stop somewhere to get food, what do you want?" the younger brother asked, turning to look at his sibling.

Dean shrugged.

Sam stopped in front of one of the diners. "C'mon, get out. I'm not leaving you alone, I told you."

Dean just sighted. He wanted to go back to bed. He was tired and still dizzy.

"Dean, come on. I promised you pie." Sam tried again and he finally opened the passenger door and slowly got out. His legs were still unsteady, so the youngest rushed to his side to help.

They went inside.

Sam quietly thanked whoever was out there that there were only a few people inside. He was aware how uncomfortable his brother was.

The fact that he didn't even look at the menu, just stared at the table, biting his lip said enough

"What can I get ya, boys?" a waitress approached him.

"I'll have black coffee with milk and uh, lunch time special."

"Alright, and for you, sweetie?" she turned to Dean, who was still staring at the table.

"Bring him orange juice and pancakes? You do have pancakes, right?" he asked hopefully.

"Sorry, we had them for breakfast. We still serve waffles though" she suggested.

"Oh, that's great then." he nodded. "Also, do you have any pie?"

"You bet your ass we do, sugar" the waitress winked at him. "Best pie in a two hundred mile radius."

"That's fantastic, can you bring some to him? Apple pie, preferably"

"Sure thing. If that's all, I'll be right back with your drinks and pie."

The younger Winchester smiled at her and turned his gaze back to his brother.

"Dean, is there something wrong?" he asked, eyeing his brother worriedly, when he kept staring at the table.

The elder sibling just shook his head, not looking at his him. "Just tired, I guess" he murmured eventually. It wasn't a lie.

"I'll get you to bed once we're home. But you have to eat. Get your strength back." the waitress came back with their drinks and put a slice of pie in front of him "I got you pie. Like I promised. Now eat."

Dean sighed again and did as he was told. He knew Sam won't let this go until he did.

And the pie was actually great.

He grinned at Sam.

"Pie makes it all better, huh?"

"Damn right it does"

They sat in silence for a while until Sam finally found courage to ask Dean something that was nagging in his mind for some time.

"Listen" he started and his brother immediately looked at him. "I know I got you out of the hospital way too soon and I know that you're gonna be against this, bus just listen first, okay?"

Dean put the fork down and turned his full attention to Sam. Whatever it was, it wasn't going to be good.

"I know you're messed up and have a hard time dealing with this, so, I was thinking, maybe you need to talk to someone. Like, professionally."

Dean's expression immediately hardened.

"To a shrink? How about no." he said coldly. "If you got me out just to put me in some other place, Sam, I'm outta here" he tried to stand up, but Sam stopped him.

"That's not what this is about, Dean. Sit down." he pushed his older brother back. "What I'm saying is, maybe it will be easier for you to talk someone who isn't me. Maybe get medication or-"

"Stop right there" the older hunter raised his hand. "I'm not talking to any kind of shrink nor I will be taking any pills or whatever else you might suggest. I'm just not. You know damn well that even if i went there, i can't say anything without being locked in a padded cell for a lifetime. So, thanks, I'll pass." he leaned back. "Besides, I'm not asking you to deal with any of it. I'm not a burden, can do it by myself.."

"I never said you were" Sam was quick to reassure. "And if you don't want to talk to a stranger, you have to talk to me. The sooner you understand that I'm not letting this go, the easier it will be." he lowered his voice when noticed a waitress coming with their food. "You and I both know what happened. Just a few hours ago you told me you'd do it again. So, sorry if I have a hard time believing that you can deal with this on your own. Thanks" he said to a waitress. "Listen," he reached out to touch Dean's hand and get his attention. "I know you don't remember anything yet, but it will come back in a few days. You will remember what I said and you'll see that I'm right. And you gotta understand that I'm not going anywhere and I'm sure as hell going to make sure you get better, you like it or not. But until then, eat" he motioned to the food.

"Thank God, I thought you'll never shut up" Dean muttered, receiving a smile from Sam. "Sam, I get it, alright? I heard ya, and I know you're like a dog with a bone when you're onto something, but can you just let it go for a while?" the older sibling asked, looking pleadingly into Sam's eyes. "It's just… too much right now." Dean looked down.

He was well aware of what he did and why he did it. But the wound was just too fresh and raw to be poked at right now.

"Just… gimme time, alright?" he asked again and Sam nodded.

"Alright" he agreed, knowing that this isn't easy for Dean.

They sat in a comfortable silence until they finished their meal.

After that, they went home. Of course, Sam asked the waitress to pack them a pie as a take away. Anything to make Dean smile again. He debated whether or not take two, but decided against it. He'll come back later if needed.

* * *

Once they were back in the bunker, Sam led Dean to his own room. He quickly put the letter, which was still on his bed, inside of his drawer, away from both of their sights, but it was too late to stop those horrible memories from flooding his mind once more.

"Do you want to take a shower first?" he asked and Dean nodded.

"Wanna get that hospital stink from my skin, yeah"

"Alright." Sam's mind was going thousand miles per hour. He needed to get Dean clothes and bring more blankets, but he wanted to remove everything from the bathroom too, without Dean noticing. He didn't know where to start.

"Dude, I can see the smoke coming out of your ears. Stop thinking so hard and relax. I promise not to do anything stupid while in the shower, alright?" the older hunter tried to reassure his brother.

Sam just nodded, looking stressed. "Alright, I'll get your things, you can go." he said, but still didn't want to let him out of his sight.

Dean stood up and patted him on a shoulder and walked out.

The younger man jumped into action. He practically ran to his brother's room, grabbed most of his clothes and brought them to his own room. The wardrobe was big enough to fit it all in besides his stuff.

He knew that some would say that he was overreacting and exaggerating with moving Dean's stuff into his own room, but honestly? Knowing what his brother was capable of this seemed like the only good option. At least this way he'll be able to keep an eye on him most of the time.

He went back to Dean's room and grabbed a tee-shirt, sweatpants and boxers and went to the shower. "Brought you clothes!" he shouted and put them on a chair. He didn't wait for an answer and rushed back to his room.

He needed more pillows and blankets.

He knew for a fact that Dean bought new ones when they moved it. They should be in a spare room. The younger hunter didn't hesitate and went there, then grabbed three pillows and two blankets.

Should be enough, he thought, once he put it all on his bed.

Thank god his bed was huge.

Alright, one more thing left. He needed to remove all the medication that he can find. Probably razors too, at least from the bathroom. Better safe than sorry.

And he needed to bring the oxygen tank, just in case. Dean was still pale and dizzy, Sam could tell for a fact that he had trouble breathing.

So he brought it in and put it beside his bed.

Just a moment later he heard Dean walking in the hallway and rushed to meet him.

"You're sleeping in my room" Sam announced, when he saw his brother making his way towards his room. "If you haven't figured that out already."

Dean sighed loudly.

"Whatever" he just mumbled, walking past Sam. "You coulda told me that you want to cuddle." Dean smirked at him.

"Ass" Sam shot back, but smiled nevertheless and followed his brother back to his room.

Dean was a little shocked to see all the pillows and blankets, but didn't complain, just got into the bed and curled up on one side, hugging a pillow.

The younger brother sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "You okay, man?" he asked quietly.

"Just tired." Dean answered quietly.

For some reason, neither of them dared to speak loudly, as if they did they might break something.

"Still feels like I'm dreaming" he muttered and looked at Sam, as if waiting for confirmation. "Like I'm gonna wake up and it'll all be the same as before."

"Dean…" Sam felt a pang of guilt when he heard those words. "I know I was a dick before and i'm extremely sorry for that, but you gotta know it's not a dream. I'm here and not going anywhere. I'll be here when you wake up and I'll be here when you need me. I won't push you away, remember that."

The older brother nodded, not saying anything. He inhaled deeply.

"I brought the oxygen tank here" Sam said suddenly. "And I know that you're going to say that you don't need it, but man, just put this on" he reached out and took the nasal cannula in his hand. "I got you out of the hospital way too soon and you know that. Your breathing is still messed up. You need to get better, so, don't fight and put it on"

Dean sighed loudly again and put the damn thing on. From the way Sam looked he was not far from his own breaking point and arguing would be pointless. He would probably just put it on himself once he knew Dean was asleep. Besides, he had to admit, the oxygen actually helped.

"Get some sleep, Dean. You'll feel better when you wake up" hopefully, Sam left unsaid and prepared to stand up.

"Stay with me 'till I… you know" the older Winchester asked, knowing that he sounded like a whiny little kid, but he just didn't want to be alone for now.

"Sure thing" Sam smiled at that. No matter how tough his brother pretended to be, at the end of the day he still wanted his brother to stay with him till he fell asleep.

"Get some sleep too, you giant. You probably didn't sleep since yesterday." Dean murmured somewhere from the pillow.

And yeah, he didn't sleep for like 30 hours, but he doubted that he could right now. There was still stuff to do.

"I will. I still have some stuff to do." Like, remove all the medication on search through all the drawers for the stuff he might have missed, also, get rid of the booze and a whole lot other things.

"Alright" Dean murmured and went quiet.

A moment later he was breathing deeply and asleep.

Sam smiled at that and stood up.

He had to admit, he was tired, but he'll catch on some sleep once he's done.

It took him under an hour to get all the medication, booze, razors and potentially dangerous looking things out of the bathroom and Dean's room. He searched the kitchen, living room and library as well, just in case he missed something. Then threw it all in the safe and changed the combination. Just in case.

He was actually surprised how he didn't notice just how much Dean was drinking. The amount of bottles he found in his room was crazy. Other than that his room was tidy - he must have cleaned it before… probably didn't want to leave a mess for Sam.

Their fridge also needed stocking. All they had was some leftovers, eggs, bread and cereal. He needed to go shopping.

Once again, in order to do that, he needed to leave his brother alone, for at least half an hour.

The thought left him fidgeting, but this needed to be done.

Eventually he left a note on the nightstand and rushed to the store. The younger Winchester was almost running, he just wanted to be back as quick as possible.

And, well, 28 minutes later, he was back in the bunker. Dean, thankfully, was still asleep.

Mission accomplished.

Fridge stocked, dangers removed, brother asleep.

Sam smiled.

Despite the circumstances, it all went well.

Sam went to his room, changed into his sleeping clothes, not bothering with a shower, and slipped under covers.

He fell asleep pretty quickly, but it was light.

Every time Dean moved, he was immediately awake. It didn't bother him tho, just made him think whether or not it was just like this for his brother when they were kids, when Dean had to watch out for him.

He drifted again.

At some point he felt Dean shimmer closer to him and it was oddly comforting, having him so close.

The only question Sam didn't manage to chase away was why the hell did he wanted push Dean away, to punish him so bad, when his only intention was to love him.

How can you do that to someone you love?

* * *

that's it, folks

would be nice if you'd leave a goddamn review

THANKS x


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